Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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