Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
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i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
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i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
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