Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
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