I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
