I'm going to jail i love you
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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