It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
