I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
We're too hungover to prance.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
