i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
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