Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
