Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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