and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
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