Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
