Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
