I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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