The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
