I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
