matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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