I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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