No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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