benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
