My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
