Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
its not stalking. its research.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
