He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
