Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
