all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
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Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
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I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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