I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
