Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
whose parrot is this?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
