The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
