yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
