So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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