I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
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For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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