i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You are the jesus of drinking
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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