theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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