She went from zero to smokin in five shots
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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