i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
