I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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