I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
