yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
