I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I AM VODKA MAN
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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