He kissed a someone with a penis
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
