You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize