i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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