My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
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Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
then he tried to convert me to islam
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
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Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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