my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
