if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
