White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
