I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
