Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
