The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
