I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
