John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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