so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
