he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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