This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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