just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
