Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
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