Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
