you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
