grandma shit on top of the toilet
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Boobs are out for the taking
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
