I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
