How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Randomize
