You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
