she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
