Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
