So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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