There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
