The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize