I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
