Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
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You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
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Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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